Stardate 20110518.0905
Another one wanting to take over command of the vessel. I presume it was to be expected ever since he came aboard.
I know what I have to do.
19-2-Water, 1944 A.S.
Stardate 20120520.0338
Stardate 20110516.1336
I never would have thought that I would write this one day and I have tried to avoid it for as long as possible, not even daring to admit this to myself: I am unmotivated; I no longer experience satisfaction at performing my duty; my tasks bore me; I feel as if nothing matters anymore.
Maybe I am simply homesick. I would love to be back in a familiar environment, aboard the Aidoann or at the estate. Surrounded by people whose actions and motivations I can understand, by family and friends. I would love to be able to follow Jaeih’s progress at Phi’lasasam. To see what kind of person she is becoming, which path she is taking, what future is awaiting her. No doubt, it will be successful. If she has inherited our father’s charisma and rethorical talent, she may become a diplomat or a politician. But by the time we return home, she will barely remember me. She will have a career, be bonded – hopefully to someone she loves – and have children and grand-children. I will have none of all that.
Yes, I am definitely homesick. But this is not the only thing that is having a negative impact on me. My short stay in the medical bay a few days after we crashlanded on Thalassia is also part of the issue. I probably should have rested a day or two longer and not returned to duty immediately. Ever since that, I have been feeling… exhausted. Not only physically, but also mentally.
Admittedly, that has other reasons as well. If I am entirely honest with myself – something that happens seldom enough these days – Aerv’saihlan is right. He exaggerated when he said that I was working sixteen/ten, but he is right when he says that consistently working too much when there is no real need for it may be a sign of problems. I think that ever since we arrived here and the situation has stabilised, I have improved on at least having lastmeal with him – he insists that I have one proper meal per day – and getting a few hours of sleep. But I admit that my behaviour is not healthy nor even logical. I do not know why I feel compelled to read every report as soon as it arrives, even those that do not require an acknowledgement or action on my part, instead of spending time together with Aerv’saihlan or taking care of myself. A few days ago, I managed to spend some time in the gym and I realised with surprise that I was out of shape. I need to start exercising more regularly again.
I work too much and achieve too little. I need to become efficient again. But even while writing this, I cannot help but think that I just cannot be bothered with anything duty-related right now. I want to spend an evening reading a book. Maybe use the holodeck with Aerv’saihlan. I would love to swim in the lagoon, to relax on the beach and feel the warm sunlight on my face. And yet I know that I will switch off this haudet’ and reach for another one to read the new reports that have arrived since I started writing this log entry.
Stardate 20110322.1038
My last entry into my journal dates back several tendays which happens rarely. But in the recent past, while the need to write and to confide was there, I was unable to come to terms with the situation, was unable to form the words that would adequately describe how I am feeling. And while I seem finally able to write again, I do not yet know whether the words that need to come out will.
Much has happened. As much in my professional as in my personal life.
Having written this, I do not know where to begin. Maybe with the professional part.
I am the vessel’s executive officer again. I still do not manage to be enthousiastic about it. Probably because I know that it was not my own actions which earned me that position but a Starfleet mutiny. A rather well executed one even. Once more, I am a piece in a board game, but I could not refuse the offer. While I enjoyed working as a medical officer again after so many years, even if it was more stressful than commanding the Areinnye’Aidoann with the apparently permamently injured Bershefonians, we need someone at the command level of this ship. Given my previous experience, I was the most suitable candidate.
For now, I have been doing my duty at this position. Not much more, I have to admit, but not too little to draw unwarranted attention to myself. For some reaon, I have been going through the motions, doing what needs to be done, but not feeling really concerned by any of it. It is not that I do not want to return home – indeed, there is nothing I want more – but I feel… I do not know. Detached from events, maybe. Not as energetic as I used to feel.
A few tendays ago, actually until the mutiny, I would have blamed it on lack of sleep. Due in part to the longer shifts I have worked during the different emergencies involving the Bershefonians and in part to the fact of having to share not only quarters but also a couching room with Outworlders. Ever since having arrived aboard this vessel, I have feared for the old wounds to open again and was positively surprised when they did not and I was actually able to sleep soundly. Until I found myself assigned to common officers’ quarters. I have written before in a journal entry that I would make do with the situation. And I did. Maybe not in the most healthy way, but it has been working out well. Well enough. I guess.
The Theirrn attributed my way of dealing with the situation to the ‘rough patch’ we apparently went through in our relationship. While the assessment is in part true, I would not call it a ‘rough patch’. And I did not. I called it something worse. Now, I am not an expert in relationships, but I think that coming close to ending it is more than merely a ‘rough patch’. Maybe it would indeed have ended between us had I not had to give in to my need for sleep and turn to the only remedy I know. I was weak in that moment, but I do not regret it. As an added benefit, he /is/ making an effort now. He even redecorated our quarters and while I am still somewhat doubtful about some of his furniture choices, the place feels much more like home now.
Maybe it is this redecorating, creating a place to share in a way that I could never have hoped for back home, that is having an impact on our relationship. Maybe he is also merely bored and has decided to turn his attention to me. Things are different now compared to what they were only a few short months ago. He seems to care more. Seems to notice me more. Possibly for the better. Though I rather think it is for the worse at the moment. He commented on some of my habits.
Dhat, I cannot write about that particular discussion. If I do, I will need to find a sparring partner for a training session and I do not want to having to listen to a ‘use the holodeck to avoid injuries’ sermon afterwards.
In any case, I promised him that I would eat and sleep properly and I have been keeping my word. At least regarding sleep. But I am making an effort with my meals as well. Trying to. I have had secondmeal once or twice in the past few days.
Certainly all of this will be in the past soon. Just a small setback due to the stress of the unusual situation in addition to a slight lack of sleep. In a few days, everything will be fine again.